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| I think the last time I was this frustrated and mad was the last time a guy broke my heart. And since, it seems no one reads or writes on these anymore, it seems like my only outlet to perhaps express some of the things on my heart. And if you do read this, please don't comment. I don't want sympathy.
I hate my life. Pure and simple. I feel as if nothing is going right right now. Transitions, I realize, are generally hard, but this one sucks.
I'm hurting. And no one cares. I'm sure they would care...if they could see. But they can't. No one sees. Those who see condone my actions and my feelings to selfishness or self-focused attitudes or illogical emotions. Well, if they are, I sure can't help it.
I'm hurting. And people judge me...they tell me I'm just being stupid and "everyone goes through this out of college." I judge me and tell me I'm just being stupid. Well, if everyone goes through this out of college, why do they send us to the damn place in the first place. Why don't they just let us figure life out on our own after high school. I had passions then. I had dreams.
I feel like a teenager again. I don't know who I am. I don't know what I want to do. I don't feel like I'm anything like I was or desire to be. I hate myself.
I have no direction. I serve no purpose. I'm a nothing. I have no ministry. I have no family. I have no friends who are truly seeking my heart. I'm not seeking anyone elses. I have no passion. I have no dreams. I'm producing no fruit. I'm not hearing from God. I'm not feeling God. I feel nothing but heartache and confusion. I'm a nothing.
I'm okay with that. But I wish I could feel God's grace loving me despite my nothingness.
And when I express this, I ALWAYS hear the same thing: "You're not doing nothing! You're getting married! You're not being nothing! You're gonna be Jimmy's wife!"
When you're growing up, they tell you marriage won't fix all your problems. Now it's like they expect that marriage will solve all of mine.
And it won't.
Marriage is a commitment that we make to do life together no matter what. It doesn't take away my feeling of nothingness. It just means I'm committing to be a nothing with Jimmy by my side. Poor guy.
I'm tired of expecting so much of myself. And never living up to my expectations. I'm tired of living my life in fear and discouragement. Never feeling like I'm ever good enough for ANYTHING. I'm tired of not feeling like I can pray or worship and be filled. I'm tired of not feeling like doing it period. I'm tired of feeling like God has left me to fend for myself. He's not granting any direction or help.
I feel completely and thoroughly alone. I feel locked into a tiny closet with a room full of people outside. No one will come open the door for me, even though I've been knocking and knocking forever and ever. No one hears. God doesn't hear. If he does, and I know in my heart He does, He's not letting me know.
I wish He'd deliver me from this cage of hatred for myself. I wish He'd take away my frustration. Because my frustration is turning into anger. I'm just flat out mad. And I feel like I can't do a damn thing about it.
I wish I could change. If not for God, if not for myself, at least for Jimmy.
I hate to drag him into my mess. He can't fix it...it'll only hurt him. I don't want to hurt him because of my incapacity to simply trust God. I just feel like God's screwed me in the past....what's to stop Him from doing it again?
I wish I could simply worship and trust that He has a plan. But I can't. And I hate myself for it.
This is how I feel. I wish someone would listen. How's that for being honest.
"What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? " Romans 7:24
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| Luke 17:7-10
“Suppose one of you has a servant plowing or looking after the sheep. Will he say to the servant when he come in from the field, ‘come along now and sit down to eat’? Won’t he rather say, ‘Prepare my supper, get yourself ready and wait on me while I eat and drink; after that you may eat and drink’? Will he thank the servant because he did what he was told to do? So you also, when you have done everything you were told to do, should say, ‘We are unworthy servants; we have only done our duty.’
When our country was founded, our forefathers focused much of their energy on one concept: “All men are created equal.” They were tired of being suppressed and belittled by a tyrant across the sea. A sense of freedom erupted their hearts; and, therefore, erupted an entire nation, creating what is the United States of America.
When this concept was founded, it had all good intentions. I, myself, fully support it. I believe no man should have to suffer under the selfishness and tyranny of another man. God created us with a desire for freedom. A desire to make our own choices. Millions of others have longed for the concept to be true in their own life and have either made the long trek to be in America or have revolted and attempted to make it happen in their own country.
Yet, what has it created in our country, this desire that “all men are created equal”? If you look around, the U.S. is the most selfish nation in the world. We want the biggest house, the best job, the most popular friends, the most fashionable clothes, the most up-to-date technology, the list goes on and on. We do not care how we get these things or what it costs. We walk around with an “I deserve it” mentality, whether it be in how we are treated or what we buy. And what does this mentality create. Selfishness. The very opposite attribute that is true of the God our nation is founded upon. This concept destroys families. Husbands and wives divorce because they are unwilling to serve one another. Children rebel because they believe they deserve more than they are getting….ridiculous seeing as they get so much more than any other child in any other country. Parents ignore their spoiled children and simply pat them on the back telling them they deserve everything in the world no matter how they act.
And the church is just as bad. Churches all over the nation are popping up, attempting to win people by giving them more…feeding their “I deserve it” mentality. Pastors preach that God exists to make you happy and successful…after all, you do deserve it don’t you. This couldn’t be farther from the truth.
If we desire to become more Christ-like, to follow our God and make Him the definer of our lives, we have to reject this American mentality. Yes, through His sacrifice, Christ has made us kings and queens—for we can associate with the one true God. But to follow Christ means to be like Him. The King of Kings gave His life to save ours—the most humble act of all time. The Lord of all Lords got on His knees and washed the feet of His people, an act only a servant would do in that time. He demonstrated servanthood like no other.
When we are called by God to complete a task or follow Him, our attitude should not be one of “I deserve better than that,” putting ourselves above the living God. Instead, our attitude should be, “Adonay (Lord, Master), I am your unworthy servant, I have only done my duty to the King of Kings.”
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| Gee. I haven't posted in a long time. I have found that I am a very legalistic person. Not necessarily towards other people, but towards myself. I put myself in a box and expect myself to live up to these certain expectations I have for myself. I think it's mostly because I naturally have this inclination to believe that God's love and pleasure with me is dependent on how I think or act. Stupid. I know. But the Lord has been revealing to me over and over again that I need to trust His heart towards me. That I need to believe Him when He says I am a treasure, that I am loved, that I am adored, that His heart yearns for me. I just forget so easily. This week though, I saw it from a different perspective. I was having an "ugly day". I'd gone running and it started raining while I was out. I didn't have any makeup on and I was soaking wet, but I didn't have time for a shower or to change before I had to run an errand. I knew I looked terrible. I knew there was a huge zit on my cheek that was in no way covered up by cosmetics. I knew my hair was greasy...and frizzy from the humidity...all at the same time. I had on gross clothes and I probably stunk to high heaven. Yet...someone very special to me looked at me with adoration in their eyes and said, "You are so beautiful." I didn't deserve this amazingly kind comment....yet it was bestowed on me all the same. It gave me a picture of how the Lord sees me in all my filthy rags and yet, because of Christ, can only think, "You are so beautiful." And this does not depend on if I've had a shower, if I smell like sweat or Moonlight Path, if my hair is frizzy or straight, greasy or clean, if I'm in running shorts or the hottest clothes I own. His adoration never changes. | | |
| First of all: It's snowing in Brownwood in April. Second of all: My recital is only a week away. | | |
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